About a week ago I promised Kate Sterling a post on why I’m terrified of whales. I’ve been giving this a lot of thought, of how to approach the topic so I don’t sound like a loon. However, I don’t think it’s possible, so I figured I’d just go whole-loon–with drawings!
Whales are huge.
No, whales are bigger than huge. You look at a bull, an elephant, one of those stretch Hummer limos, and you go, “Wow, that’s huge” (and in one case, tacky). But, a whale is somekindamathpercentagetimes bigger than all of those. In fact, a blue whale could be my house.
Let’s look at this boring drawing of a blue whale compared to a human:
Now, let’s look at my super-scientific drawing of that same whale being my house:
As you can see, the entirety of my downstairs could fit inside a blue whale. If you stacked two blue whales on top of each other, they would be my house. I could install a nice stairway between the two, and it would be exactly like living in my house (except moist and fishy, which I am proud to say my house is not). Whales are THAT big, and they’re just down there, churning through the dark, all big and monster-like. You can’t see what they’re doing, what they’re about to do. They could be hanging around near the bottom one second, and then decide they’re feeling a little vitamin D deficient and barrel to the surface the next. I’m aware (despite my fang depiction) that they’re most likely not the next incarnation of Jaws 3–mindful killing machines with a fixed, personal interest in filtering me to death. What matters is that I don’t matter. This size advantage is clearly the whale’s. It is just going to do what it’s trying to do, and if I’m in the way, too damn bad. The whale is not going to see me, and even if it does at the last second, that doesn’t mean it won’t accidentally hurt me. Hell, I step on my cats all the time, just because they’re small and have decided to hang out in a place I didn’t expect them to be.
Not a smart person
You never see a squirrel strolling along suddenly stop, stand slack-jawed and goggle-eyed, and say, “Oooh, Mary, look! A human!” as you pop out of nowhere in their general vicinity. No. The squirrel collects Mary and hightails it up the nearest telephone pole. He knows to get out of the way because HUMANS ARE BIGGER. And when it looks like the ocean has grown a brand new mountain right in front of you, it’s probably time to get back on land.
So, no. I don’t think whales are going to eat me. I don’t think they’re plotting some sort of Avery-involved hostile takeover down in the deep. I don’t think they’re evil (again, despite the fangs I drew). I just don’t want this to be my last interaction:
And this completes the post on my wholly irrational terror of whales.
Hell and Wheels 
September 9th, 2012 at 7:00 am
Whales freak me the f*** out too! A derby girl who writes and is afraid of hugeness… it’s like we’re the same person.
September 11th, 2012 at 8:03 pm
Well, then, welcome, Other Me. I hope we are doing well where you are. You’re not letting our hair grow long, are you? Because we look scraggly and limp-locked when we do. I know, I know, we like long hair. But, it’s just not pretty on us. Also, ditch the high heels. It makes us walk like Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost.
February 24th, 2012 at 4:53 pm
Samuel – Hah! Thanks for stopping by.
February 22nd, 2012 at 3:05 am
THANK YOU! Where have you been all my life?!FINALLY I've found someone else that thinks elephants are just as tacky as me.I tell ya what… there comes a point where you start to wonder if you're a little handicapped. 😉
February 8th, 2012 at 4:18 pm
AKA Fern — Thanks so much for stopping by. I'm glad there are more whale-a-phobes out there.
February 7th, 2012 at 10:25 am
I just next-blogged my way onto your blog… Love the way you write, and holy crap! I feel the same way about whales!!
January 27th, 2012 at 6:52 pm
English Major — Thanks for stopping by. Believe me, if I can manage to make stick figures in Photoshop, anyone can. Go for it. And send me the link to your cow post. I love hearing about other people's animal phobias.
January 27th, 2012 at 6:51 pm
Gireesh — Thanks. I think my awesome drawings might be influencing you, though. ; )
January 27th, 2012 at 5:05 am
You've inspired me to one day write a post about why I'm afraid of cows. I think probably pictures would help explain things. I just don't have the mental fortitude to draw them yet.
January 15th, 2012 at 2:18 am
Nice blog dude .. YOu inspired me by your blogging talents 😀
January 12th, 2012 at 3:51 am
Kate — I'm sorry. I thought my drawings would be funny. Or at least crappy enough not to cause panic. Yeah, it's when they flop up on land that's the real bitch. You want them to get back in the water where they belong, but have no desire to help them do so.
January 12th, 2012 at 3:49 am
Walking Man — I have a hearty respect for whales, and hate that they're hunted. I just don't want to hang out anywhere near one.And, yes, clowns suck.
January 12th, 2012 at 3:43 am
Adam — Good man.
January 11th, 2012 at 12:40 pm
Clowns…any phobia's about them?
January 11th, 2012 at 12:27 pm
Just for the record, there is NOTHING irrational about your fears. Nothing at all. I just wish you hadn't included drawings. I'm may not be able to work now due to sweating, shaking, and profuse anxiety.Your last picture says it all for me. Just the TAIL of a whale can come out of nowhere and sink a whole ship. I saw that in an educational video when I was about 7 years old and it scarred me for life.No, thank you. You can keep that beach house in Maine, thank you very much. I will not be driving over a bridge where a whale might be swimming underneath – fangs and all. Not to mention they have the nerve to even come up onto beaches. Sheesh.Thanks for posting and at least giving me a giggle while I broke out into cold sweats.
January 10th, 2012 at 12:10 am
This should either support your fear or make you wish you were cared for by a male whale protecting his familyWhen you see the baseball cap I always wear it is in remembrance of this whale which has now become legend.
January 9th, 2012 at 8:33 pm
I don't touch deep water. I saw Jaws, I'm no fool.Adam
January 9th, 2012 at 8:12 pm
Charles — The whale ate your comments?! Yet another reason not to trust the barnacled jerks.Adam — Glad to amuse. You just wait until you get crushed by a whale. Then we'll see who's sniggering.
January 9th, 2012 at 5:54 pm
*Head pat**Snigger*Adam
January 9th, 2012 at 4:45 pm
It ate my comments. I was just agreeing with you that you never know what those whales are doing down there. And they even have sperm whales. I don't think I'll ever swim in the ocean again.
January 9th, 2012 at 4:43 pm
Yeah, who knows what weirdities they get into down there in the depths. I mean some of them are even called "sperm" whales. Makes me never wanna go swimming in the ocean again.